….and many MORE…

Today I am 46 years old.  Almost half a century.  Not sure how I feel about it; but I seem to be feeling…..nothing.  I wonder why women get all wrapped around the axle about it.   I remember the day I realized everything in my cosmetic bag had transitioned from “acne controlling” to “wrinkle reducing”.  That was the most disconcerting part of the transition.

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I’m still very much me-ish in my thoughts and actions.    I’m not especially “different” from the me I’ve known.  However, all of my friends are getting …….older….  Some of them have died.  I spend some time remembering them.

In general, being chronically ill has taken a toll & I don’t have the resiliency I expected to have.  However, those are changes I’ve had to accept & coping hasn’t been unbearable.  All things considered–I’m happy, doing better than I expected & luckier than most.  My life is good; full of interesting people and opportunities.  Guess that means I’m on-board for whatever is ahead.  Even if it sucks, it’s an opportunity to understand and experience another aspect of life.

I HAD to Share This One Too…..

He Said To Me…….

(I’m not a man-basher-really)

He said to me . … . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.I said to him …. . . You wear underwear don’t you?

He said to me … . ……… Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said: That’s a good idea – you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me. … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ….. Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ….. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don’t have time.

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don’t know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said….What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.

He said to me…. Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

The Obedient Wife

*I continue to take no credit for the humor I post.  My friends share with me to keep me occupied & stop my bitching about the weather.* Thanks guys!!  Love ya!

The Obedient Wife’ There was a man,who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, And was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife…’When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.’ And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there – dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, ‘Wait just a moment!’ She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, ‘Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.’ The loyal wife replied, ‘Listen, I’m a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.’ You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?’ ‘I sure did,’ said the wife. ‘I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque…. If he can cash it, then he can spend it.’

I’m NOT an Expert B-U-T…..

Q & A session with my favorite doctor:

thx, photobucket

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it.. Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system.. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain.. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats………..
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

*ONCE MORE, I TAKE NO CREDIT*

Mr Squirrel’s Quandry

EVEN THE ANIMALS HAVE OFFICIALLY CONTACTED MOTHER NATURE FOR A TIME-OUT.

 

 

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN EVEN THE SNOWMEN CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE WINTER??

 

OVER IT!

(Note: I will be producing real content again soon.  I have a list of timely, relevant medical subject matter in store for the new year.  I will begin producing as soon as I get over this temporary case of winter insanity.  Thank you.)

Beautiful, Random Pictures-Fantasy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For Sharing my Silent Sunday Post!!

Standard Regional Deviation

*Shared from my bestie Cindy W.*

Three friends  married women from different parts of the  country.

The first man  married a woman from Wisconsin.  He told  her that she was to do the dishes and house  cleaning.  It took a couple of days, but on  the third day, he came home to see a clean house  and dishes washed and put away.

The second man  married a woman from Minnesota.  He gave  his wife orders that she was to do all the  cleaning, dishes and the cooking.  The  first day he didn’t see any results, but the  next day he saw it was better.  By the  third day, he saw his house was clean, the  dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on  the table.

The third man  married a girl from Kentucky..  He ordered  her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,  lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the  table for every meal..  He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he  didn’t see anything, but by the third day, some  of the swelling had gone down and he could see a  little out of his left eye, and his arm was  healed enough that he could fix himself a  sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has  some difficulty when he  pees.

That’s What the Newspaper Said!

Once more, a hilarious compilation of stuff which I can take ZERO credit for.  Sometimes it’s nice to see the lighter side of life.

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn’t help but send this along. Too funny..
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
————————————————————————

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
———————————————-

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
———————————————–

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
—————- ———————————

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is……
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
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Too Much…..Time on My Hands!!

All puns intended......thx photobucket

(disclaimer:  None of these hilarious thoughts came from my mind.  My friend Roger sent them because he knows I love punny, witty things.  No author or owner was listed.  If I have infringed on something, please email me.)

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road, and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:  ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in  Paris, you’d be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Understanding Love/Hate & Risk Taking

*NOTE: IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ MY RANT, PLEASE SKIP TO PARAGRAPH FOUR*

For those of you who have read my last two posts, you know what’s going on:  I’ve finally flipped my biscuit.  Normally I try to address relevant topics which have an impact on (or is related to) managing chronic illness, except when I’m discussing pretty under clothes.  Anyway, now I’m posting jokes and mundane drivel–hence-flipped biscuithood.

by cristabell 73

But I figured I’m NOT the only one crazy from this DAMNED WINTER!!!  Normally our first snow is in January.  THIS YEAR IT WAS THANKSGIVING DAY. It’s 0 degrees farenheit.  ZERO degrees= NO DEGREES.  My dogs are standing around with their legs crossed because it’s too cold to go pee.  Normally it’s a seasonally balmy 41 degrees but “normal” has been cast to the wind!!

I missed work because of the snow.  This makes two days this year I’ve had to miss due to weather.  Not so bad except there have only been 21 days in the year AND only six of those days have been work days for me.  Geez…..  Now I sound like a baby….Who cares!  This sucks and if the pacifier fits……

by z47bossman

I bet my Canadian friends are really getting a kick out of my loss of composure.  My heart lurches when I hear the weather they survive.  Living in KY means I experience ALL types of weather–but not cold in its true Northern fashion–BUT IT STILL SUCKS.

With that being said–I really do have a point to this post.   Even though I’ve bitched like a banshee over the weather, I LOVE having an excuse to have a do-nothing day when I feel well!!  Through no fault of my own (YES!!) I am being forced to stay home (HELL YES!!) even though I have no medical symptoms keeping me from working.  S-N-A-P!! I soaked in the tub…. I polished my nails… I cleaned out

from priceless collections

my closet…I read two magazines… I ate three bagels… I watched you tube…I took a nap for FUN-not because I was sick!  I’m so accustomed to being home sick, I had forgotten what a prize it is to be home and feel decent!!  That’s the dichotomy of love/hate.  No I want to–Yes I won’t.  Mull that over for a bit.

I’m not a risk-taker any more.  My sense of what I am NOT willing to do has become much clearer.  When I was younger and well-er I struggled with the gray areas of what I OUGHT TO DO. About five years ago the OUGHT fairy croaked, deader than a doorknob…  I gave up on useless guilt and arbitrary rules.  especially those created by others who don’t live my life.  It was liberating to realize the disappointment of others is not my problem.  Maybe they should look into coping skills in dealing with unmet expectations.   After all, nothing hurts us more than our own unmet expectations.  Think about that one for a bit too….

There was a time when I would’ve gone out an hour early to clean off my car, warm it up and stock it with provisions in case I slid off the road.  Then I

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would’ve hit the road extra-early to get there.  First one in–last one out.  I did it for years; even though I lived the farthest away, I was the first one in.  Sometimes the ONLY one. I’m over it though.  The ship has sailed, the torch has passed, the fat lady has sung her last note.  My physical tolerance and ability isn’t what it once was and I have to respect that.  At first I was disturbed, but I’ve chosen to view it as another version of AWESOMENESS!!