Unexpected Things That Happen in a Day


I live in the middle of nowhere on five-ish wild, natural acres with myself and my brood of critters (read–crazy cat lady+dogs).    My herd of mutts had finished their morning pee-break and were all accounted for  but one.  I opened the door to call him and he was lounging on the porch, with a mauled wild rabbit between his front paws….The rabbit was badly injured,  barely breathing and not long for this world.  I got a towel and picked him up. Franklyn dog looked at me so quizzically;  I bet he couldn’t understand why I didn’t brag on his prize.  I tried to make him as comfortable as I could, realizing how inept I felt at bunny care.  I’m a nurse, so people care is more comfortable for me, but bunny care–not so much.

The bunny breathed his last & I made sure he was properly taken care of.  Walking back to the house I spent my time thinking about death, which is ultimately a topic about life…… As a society we’re so mired in right and wrong and fault and blame…..Then we sue someone because someone HAS to PAY……The sense of human entitlement has always puzzled me.  One of the biggest, most freeing revelations I’ve had in my life is this:  SOME THINGS JUST ARE.  Nothing to rant & rave against, no need to assign blame.  Acknowledge, accept, respect, move on.   Dogs are genetically wired to hunt. Rabbits are low on the food chain. God, in his wisdom, programmed this process & I’m grateful for the opportunity to be part of it.  Come on Franklyn; let’s go in buddy.

Odd Relationships With Myself & Questions With NO Answers


I’ve been wallowing around in a whole pool of stuff for a long time.  My primary driving force for success in my teens, twenties & thirties was anger.  Anger at my parents, anger at men, anger against employment,  society, the”man”.  I was filled with drama and words; over-run with ideas and worried about  my rights, other peoples rights, and was right–RIGHT?  I spent so much of my time questioning things only to realize it led to more questions –THEN, at the end of three decades, I realized the concrete answers I was so sure of were actually wrong.  Not just wrong, but wrong-WRONG.  Fucked up wrong.

The wind was knocked out of my sails; hell the sails were TORN DOWN! Masts broken, ropes flapping and I was listing….. I turned around and found myself divorced three times, raising two kids by different dads, at odds with my career, sad for what I’d done and what I had NOT.  I felt unwell physically & emotionally; I had no one who understood how I felt or where I was in my life.  God bless my mother, she only wanted me to find a “good” man who would work so I could stay next door and entertain her. My best friend couldn’t go out of the house with me because her husband wouldn’t let her (WTF??).  My career sucked, my options sucked, blah, blah, blah.

I was stuck living in my head & I felt like such a fraud.  Apparently I appeared confident yet I was scared in my own skin. I got compliments on my positive attitude but every thought in my head was petty, mean-spirited and negative.  I tried so hard to teach good, positive things to my kids but I could see un-positive things unfolding for them…… I kept feeling sicker & sicker; doctors kept running me around. I found myself unemployed, no insurance and no energy.  Plus I had no answers……STILL…..For now I’m going to stop my rambling.  Sharing this much has made me tired and my chest feels tight.  Wonder what that’s about??

Better-er


For the past three weeks I’ve been eating properly & really enjoying it.  I’ve been resting better and overall feel decent.  YaYY!!  I haven’t heard anything from either of my kids and I’ve decided that it’s ok.  My wellness is NOT tied up in their bad judgment and that is such an awesome revelation for me.

Taking care of myself is becoming easier.  Guess there is a benefit in being sick for a long time.  I’m working on making my life more secure overall and I’m feeling pretty optimistic about it!

I DON’T Like It When the Truth Isn’t What I WANT It to Be..


For the last six months I’ve been is such a crazy funk….  My son has continued to make a mess of his life & I have been allowing myself to be sucked into his chaos.  I had held out such hope for my daughter and she turned 18, quit school, left me with a ton of debt & developed a ferocious meth habit.  Plus my usual work and health crap.  I have become sicker & more tired & more depressed….Until I woke up with no clean clothes, no working light bulbs, no food in the house, no zest for life AND no memory of my last shower….  I’d used all of my time off at work and I was even fed up with myself…  WHERE did I fall off of the “take care of me” train????  I made a counseling appointment and actually went to it.  I saw my family Dr & started a medication regime.  I enlisted the help of my awesome sweetie and slowly started remember who “I” am…..  I’ll give more details later….

Spinning My Wheels….


I’m sitting here on the sofa, just like I have been for the past eternity (it seems)…Griping & moaning in my head and I haven’t made more than a micro-attempt at helping myself…WTF~!  I feel bad physically most days and no matter how hard I try to communicate with  my doctors, I’m not making progress.  They take me seriously, they just don’t have answers.  Dammit.  Both of my young adult children are making extremely poor choices & I feel trapped in a sea of tough love.  I won’t enable their stupidity but I also want to be blissfully ignorant of it.  I’m dying here.  Part of my problem (I think) is I feel like an abysmal failure as a parent and a woman.  My rational, reasonable mind knows better but my “inner voice” that talks to me when I’m alone is saying all kinds of ugly stuff.   The part that REALLY sucks is I agree with what the voice is saying.   WTF AGAIN.  I’ll get this under control.  I have a ton of support in my corner.  I really wished I felt better about this whole mess…. Gee-freakin’ -whiz……

Worth repeating–I LOVE the Graphics Fairy!

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