Muddling & Meandering


I had to take off work today & I think it sucks.  Overall, I’ve been fortunate and only call in 6-8 times a year.  However, I have a job where the whole team suffers if one is missing.  To make it worse, I’m the only one who does what I do when I’m scheduled.  My co-workers understand & this episode will pass; I’m in no danger professionally but I despise forcing them to work short.

On the other hand–I’ve been dealing with this cycle for years, as have those in my life.  My family, sweetie, kids, friends,neighbors….  You know the drill.  The well-meaning questions begin.  The questions are asked sincerely, without snarky implications but it’s the same as last time and the time before and the year before.  When I have to call off work or cancel a visit because I’m not feeling well I would LOVE to simply hear “OK“.

The “What’s wrong?”, “what can I do?”, “How can I  help?”, “Are you going to the doctor?”, “What do you have?”, “Why can’t the doctors get it under control?”  I can hear worry & frustration in their voices but all I wanna do is crawl away and ride it out.  BECAUSE I understand it’s the best option….. It’ll get better & life will continue.  My otherwise-awesome life is intact but on hold.  I won’t let it sap anything else away from me.  I’ve learned to acknowledge, accept, accommodate and move on.  I love the path of least resistance–time spent ranting is time NOT spent recovering…

I sincerely appreciate the concern & expenditure of emotion; However, I feel guilty for being the source of it.  I’m also  exhausted from explaining, re-explaining and reassuring them when I’d really rather go lie down.   When I have these episodes, I feel like my whole body has a toothache and it throbs with each heartbeat.  I have sharp pain in most of my joints & a dull ache in all of my muscles.  I’m stiff.  My eyeballs ache.   I’m tired & muddled cognitively;  I’m nauseated & have relentless diarrhea.  With that being said, I also know it will pass and  I’ll be fine.  I won’t get to cross that bridge until later though.

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