Odd Relationships With Myself & Questions With NO Answers

I’ve been wallowing around in a whole pool of stuff for a long time.  My primary driving force for success in my teens, twenties & thirties was anger.  Anger at my parents, anger at men, anger against employment,  society, the”man”.  I was filled with drama and words; over-run with ideas and worried about  my rights, other peoples rights, and was right–RIGHT?  I spent so much of my time questioning things only to realize it led to more questions –THEN, at the end of three decades, I realized the concrete answers I was so sure of were actually wrong.  Not just wrong, but wrong-WRONG.  Fucked up wrong.

The wind was knocked out of my sails; hell the sails were TORN DOWN! Masts broken, ropes flapping and I was listing….. I turned around and found myself divorced three times, raising two kids by different dads, at odds with my career, sad for what I’d done and what I had NOT.  I felt unwell physically & emotionally; I had no one who understood how I felt or where I was in my life.  God bless my mother, she only wanted me to find a “good” man who would work so I could stay next door and entertain her. My best friend couldn’t go out of the house with me because her husband wouldn’t let her (WTF??).  My career sucked, my options sucked, blah, blah, blah.

I was stuck living in my head & I felt like such a fraud.  Apparently I appeared confident yet I was scared in my own skin. I got compliments on my positive attitude but every thought in my head was petty, mean-spirited and negative.  I tried so hard to teach good, positive things to my kids but I could see un-positive things unfolding for them…… I kept feeling sicker & sicker; doctors kept running me around. I found myself unemployed, no insurance and no energy.  Plus I had no answers……STILL…..For now I’m going to stop my rambling.  Sharing this much has made me tired and my chest feels tight.  Wonder what that’s about??


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